Saturday

Procreation is NOT okay.

You hate them, you love them. Maybe you love them, then they turn two and you hate them, then they turn six and you love them, then they turn 12 and you hate them again. But at some point in time you will hate kids.

All the more reason to vilify them in our cinematic and literary outlets. And this is something we have done quite well and quite often- and I don't care what you say, possessed, serial killer, zombie demon kids are perhaps the scariest lot of monsters ever invented.

Example #1- Gage, Pet Sematary
This kid was creepy even before he got hit by that truck and was buried in an Indian burial site- to be reborn as the crazy scalpel wielding, Achilles Heel slicing, throat feasting little bastard he became.

What would you do if this little monster attacked you? You'd die. Go ahead, try to fling him across the room. He is undead. He is young. He is resilient. He'd likely bounce off of the wall, do a ninja flip and with ancient genetic mastery sink his little scalpel right into the pupil of your eye. Then, he would proceed to take you out and cackle, adding insult and creepiness to injury.

Example #2- Regan, The Exorcist



Damn right. And I chose this particular scene because it was the creepiest part of the movie for me. What is it about demons and kids? If I had to make up a statistic about possessions and kids, I would say that kids are the ones possessed 100% of the time. Anything else is just science-fiction.

Why? Because kids are little magnets for evil. Seriously, open one up sometime. You will see they have these little spectral devices attached to their heart and every time their heart pumps, it sends out a signal and if demons are nearby, BLAMO! Possessed kid.

Don't worry, this little device goes away when they turn thirteen and are able to be their own providers of sinister evil.

Example #3- Those Damn Twins, The Shining



First off, what stupid kid rides a plastic tricycle down the hall of a hotel? I mean, when I was a kid anything larger than my room was creepy- and more often than not even my room was creepy.

Oh wait, I know who... some tweaked out little milk carton poster-child that talks to his wiggling finger in a creepy voice reminiscent of an old lady that smoked for 100 years. THAT'S WHO!

It's no damn wonder this kid ends up running into the ghosts of some butchered twins. And they did it right- these kids were so creepy I vowed to never ever, ever ever have kids, ever.

I would also like to interject that creepy kids in creepy movies most likely were creepy kids before they even landed their roles. Want proof? Let's have a look at those evil minions of Satan's left testicle now:


Example #4-
You know what, screw this. This blog is creeping me out. As I write this, there is some little bastard giggling upstairs. And I don't even have kids.

I think you get the point about now. Kids. Are. Creepy.

No offense if you have them. Yay for you. Just keep them on a leash and out of my damn corn fields.



-Joel

PS: I don't really hate kids. Ok, yeah, I do.

26 comments:

  1. Ba ha ha ha ha!!! How could something weighing in it 7-8 lbs that comes barreling out of a vagina NOT be evil??? lol....and I should know. I have four of the little evil things running around my house. I just love creepy evil things...lol LOVE the post!

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  2. LOL Rhiannon. I was wondering how a mother might take this post. Glad you caught the overlying humor :)

    And thanks for the "LOVE". I really feel it!

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  3. Neuter your children! So you can do them a favor and not have them go through it!

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  4. I'm not into splatter at all. i'm scared like shit! but reading about it is fun. so I'll come back, that for shure!

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  5. Childbirth itself should scare you enough out of having children. I punched my mother and kicked a nurse's glasses right off her face while in labor. That says it all: Children, while sometimes loveable, are the spawn of the Underworld...lol.

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  6. Lord of the flies is the classic example. Kids are EVIL!

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  7. Damien in The Omen. Worst of them all.

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  8. I was actually going to get to him, but then I got bored and just a bit creeped out finding the reference material- ergo #4.

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  9. Those are some creepy pictures. Normal kids are usually very violent and rude to eachother pisses me off.

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  10. this stuff is some scary shit man

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  11. fking exorcist girl had me shititng bricks when i was young

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  12. I plan on keeping mine in a cage until I can unleash the savages.

    That last sentence made me lawl, btw.

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  13. I just had a baby . I always thought my baby would be the antichrist because I have never been baptized and am fairly satanic... so we'll see...following...

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  14. @pv- You know, I watched this movie when I was an evil bastard kid myself. It must have been so traumatic because I didn't really remember it or the impact it must have had.

    Nay. Instead, I decide to go and watch the movie when they did the re-release in 2000 (I think). Bad idea.

    Why? Because in the original, they had some deleted scenes. The spider walk scene was one. They deleted that scene because it seemed like it was too much demon-child too soon. At that point in the movie, they hadn't fully established the depth and breadth of little psycho Regan's "possession".

    Had that scene been in the original, I would have been one screwed up kid. Fortunately, the problem did not get to compound so I am only a semi-screwed up adult.

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  15. very very cool site :D following and supporting!

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  16. Why is it children are always in the scariest horror films!?

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  17. the video of the girl walking down the stairs in a back arch, scared the crap out of me.

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  18. Hehe - the logic here is flawless man.

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  19. Wow, the girls from the Shinning (old) are ugly!

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